Inside My Head

      Is my Daddy. Yes, I was able to get to know him, not by much though. He was a wonderful Daddy to me. I was his little girl. As sick as he was, he always made sure we did things together. It didn't matter what we were doing, we had fun together. He could make games out of anything! We would go pick up my mom from work, and we would take the car keys and play checkers with the floor tiles! Daddy was a War Vet. A WWII Vet to be exact. I wish I had more time than 7 years to know him. I would have loved to have been able to ask him questions about the War. To ask questions about what he did, what he saw and where he went. I know a little bit about it. Stories my mom would tell me, but it's not the same as talking to the person who actually lived it. If you are lucky enough to have a WWII vet in your life, talk to them. Ask them questions. Write them down. Better yet, record what they are saying. Once the person is gone, that's it. They are such a special generati...

The kids and I were playing the other day, when my 3 year old said, "Mommy, you are broken." I don't remember what we were playing, but those words have stuck with me since then. I realized, he's right. For MONTHS, yes MONTHS I just stopped going to church. Just STOPPED. I didn't want to. My 7 year old daughter did, and every Sunday she would ask me if we were going, and I would say no. So, she just got to the point where she would stop asking. Granted, I did have tests to study for, and take. So why didn't I want to go to church? I still don't know exactly, but I just didn't WANT to. At. ALL. If I did end up going, it was only for Abbie. Not for me. I wanted to make her happy, and I knew how much going meant to her. It didn't mean anything to me, I was just THERE. I felt invisible. Here I am surrounded by a lot of people, and yet I felt like I was the only one there. I hate feeling like that. So, I am trying this agian. I am making an effort to ge...

I had a dream last night that I just didn't want to wake up from. I was back in South Fla. I had just walked onto the beach. It was wonderful! I could actually feel the sand on my feet, and smell the ocean in the air. I looked up and saw the old water tower that had been painted aqua, and had the design of a beach ball on it. I then had to wake up. Oh I wanted to stay on the beach forever, it had been too long.

Today, we were at Walmart on Watson Blvd getting some odds and ends, and school supplies. An annoucement came on stating there was going to be a fashion show in the front of the store. Fine. No biggie. We continued on our way. We make our way around the store, and are headed up to the front. Actually, we were passing by the frozen foods. We hear music. Loud music. I listen, and within two beats of the song I know exactly what it is, and I was shocked! It was a song by Rhianna called S & M.  That in itself was bad enough. I look at Gary and told him I couldn't believe that they were playing that in a store, and it WASN'T the edited version either. I ask a store worker if they knew who picked that song out, and she said no..and pointed me to the manager. So, Joshua and I head on over there as Gary and Abbie are checking out. I asked him who picked that song out, as I didn't feel it was an appropriate song, and I don't want to worry about having to explain to my 6 y/o ...

Today is Father's Day, and with that comes so many emotions with it for me. I am so grateful to have such a wonderful husband who is an amazing Daddy to our children.  He is so active in their lives, and they will both benefit from that later on, especially our daughter. I know firsthand how hard it is to grow up without my dad, and I don't want our children to know what that feels like until much, much later in their lives. I don't want them to experience it at all, but let's be realistic, it will happen.  I am also sad, because I haven't had my dad in YEARS..and by years, I mean 24. For a long time after he died, Father's Day was always so hard for me. I remember not long after he died, I was in class...second grade I think, and the teacher mentioned something about parents, and I just cried. She asked what was wrong and I told her I don't have 2 parents anymore, I only have one.  Now, I did have some fantastic male role models who stepped in and was there...

I Thought About You With Love Today. I thought of you with love today but that is nothing new I thought about you yesterday and days before that too, I think of you in silence I often speak your name All I have are memories and your picture in a frame Your memory is my keepsake with which I’ll never part God has you in His keeping I have you in my heart. Today I took the kids to the library, the one by where you used to live. I remembered all the times I went there "Just because". I remembered how much you and Abbie adored eachother, and I know you would have fallen in love with Joshua also. I think about you, sometimes more than others. I miss you Mom. I love you. There are days where I would do anything to go back to your apt and just spend time with you, joke around..whatever. But, you can't go home again.