Inside My Head

I had a dream last night that I just didn't want to wake up from. I was back in South Fla. I had just walked onto the beach. It was wonderful! I could actually feel the sand on my feet, and smell the ocean in the air. I looked up and saw the old water tower that had been painted aqua, and had the design of a beach ball on it. I then had to wake up. Oh I wanted to stay on the beach forever, it had been too long.

Today, we were at Walmart on Watson Blvd getting some odds and ends, and school supplies. An annoucement came on stating there was going to be a fashion show in the front of the store. Fine. No biggie. We continued on our way. We make our way around the store, and are headed up to the front. Actually, we were passing by the frozen foods. We hear music. Loud music. I listen, and within two beats of the song I know exactly what it is, and I was shocked! It was a song by Rhianna called S & M.  That in itself was bad enough. I look at Gary and told him I couldn't believe that they were playing that in a store, and it WASN'T the edited version either. I ask a store worker if they knew who picked that song out, and she said no..and pointed me to the manager. So, Joshua and I head on over there as Gary and Abbie are checking out. I asked him who picked that song out, as I didn't feel it was an appropriate song, and I don't want to worry about having to explain to my 6 y/o ...

Today is Father's Day, and with that comes so many emotions with it for me. I am so grateful to have such a wonderful husband who is an amazing Daddy to our children.  He is so active in their lives, and they will both benefit from that later on, especially our daughter. I know firsthand how hard it is to grow up without my dad, and I don't want our children to know what that feels like until much, much later in their lives. I don't want them to experience it at all, but let's be realistic, it will happen.  I am also sad, because I haven't had my dad in YEARS..and by years, I mean 24. For a long time after he died, Father's Day was always so hard for me. I remember not long after he died, I was in class...second grade I think, and the teacher mentioned something about parents, and I just cried. She asked what was wrong and I told her I don't have 2 parents anymore, I only have one.  Now, I did have some fantastic male role models who stepped in and was there...

I Thought About You With Love Today. I thought of you with love today but that is nothing new I thought about you yesterday and days before that too, I think of you in silence I often speak your name All I have are memories and your picture in a frame Your memory is my keepsake with which I’ll never part God has you in His keeping I have you in my heart. Today I took the kids to the library, the one by where you used to live. I remembered all the times I went there "Just because". I remembered how much you and Abbie adored eachother, and I know you would have fallen in love with Joshua also. I think about you, sometimes more than others. I miss you Mom. I love you. There are days where I would do anything to go back to your apt and just spend time with you, joke around..whatever. But, you can't go home again.

I have always loved Toby Keith, and this is by far one of my favorite songs from him. Just off of the two-lane where the school bus used to stop Was a little wooden A-frame with a yellow tin roof top One day it was raining on this world She said ‘have you ever really, really ever kissed a girl?’ Baby I’ll be your Huckleberry, you don’t have to double dare me If the storm gets wild and scary count on me to be right there You’re so extra ordinary sweet like maraschino cherries We’ll grow up and we’ll get married I’m gonna be your Huckleberry Later on that summer we went to the county fair They had a brand new roller coaster and everyone was scared It was two bucks to experience the thrill She said ‘come on boy let’s get in line I’ll ride it if you will’ Baby I’ll be your Huckleberry, you don’t have to double dare me If the ride gets wild and scary count on me to be right there You’re so extra ordinary sweet like maraschino cherries We’ll grow up and we’ll get married...

May 20, 2009 started out as a normal day. Well, "normal" enough for a woman who is 37 weeks pregnant and having contractions. I drop Abbie off at PreK and go by to see my friend Wren. Wren looks at me, and mind you she had just seen me the day before, which was a Tuesday and I hadn't dropped. She took one look at me and said "You ARE having the baby TODAY!" I looked at her, and told her I would call her after my Ob appt. Sure enough, I get to my Ob's office, and the tech has to literally help me out of the chair. I couldn't get enough balance or stamina to get up. I waddle through the doors and into the exam room. She asked me how I was feeling, and I told her I was having some contractions. She takes my BP and listens to the HB, and all is good. She tells me, next time I am in the office will be for my 6 week checkup. Sofar I have had 2 people tell me I am having a baby SOON. I get into another exam room, and my OB comes in. She is asking me how I am fe...

The song "What Hurts The Most" by Rascal Flatts pretty much sums up how I feel about the loss of my mom. I still feel guilty. Those who were with me, might say that I did everything I could, and that I have no reason for regrets. I don't believe that. I feel like I should have done more. "What Hurts The Most" I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house That don’t bother me I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while Even though going on with you gone still upsets me There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok But that’s not what gets me What hurts the most Was being so close And having so much to say And watching you walk away And never knowing What could have been And not seeing that loving you Is what I was tryin’ to do It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go But I’m doin’ It It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m al...