Inside My Head

I had a dream last night that I just didn't want to wake up from. I was back in South Fla. I had just walked onto the beach. It was wonderful! I could actually feel the sand on my feet, and smell the ocean in the air. I looked up and saw the old water tower that had been painted aqua, and had the design of a beach ball on it. I then had to wake up. Oh I wanted to stay on the beach forever, it had been too long.

Today, we were at Walmart on Watson Blvd getting some odds and ends, and school supplies. An annoucement came on stating there was going to be a fashion show in the front of the store. Fine. No biggie. We continued on our way. We make our way around the store, and are headed up to the front. Actually, we were passing by the frozen foods. We hear music. Loud music. I listen, and within two beats of the song I know exactly what it is, and I was shocked! It was a song by Rhianna called S & M.  That in itself was bad enough. I look at Gary and told him I couldn't believe that they were playing that in a store, and it WASN'T the edited version either. I ask a store worker if they knew who picked that song out, and she said no..and pointed me to the manager. So, Joshua and I head on over there as Gary and Abbie are checking out. I asked him who picked that song out, as I didn't feel it was an appropriate song, and I don't want to worry about having to explain to my 6 y/o

Today is Father's Day, and with that comes so many emotions with it for me. I am so grateful to have such a wonderful husband who is an amazing Daddy to our children.  He is so active in their lives, and they will both benefit from that later on, especially our daughter. I know firsthand how hard it is to grow up without my dad, and I don't want our children to know what that feels like until much, much later in their lives. I don't want them to experience it at all, but let's be realistic, it will happen.  I am also sad, because I haven't had my dad in YEARS..and by years, I mean 24. For a long time after he died, Father's Day was always so hard for me. I remember not long after he died, I was in class...second grade I think, and the teacher mentioned something about parents, and I just cried. She asked what was wrong and I told her I don't have 2 parents anymore, I only have one.  Now, I did have some fantastic male role models who stepped in and was there

I Thought About You With Love Today. I thought of you with love today but that is nothing new I thought about you yesterday and days before that too, I think of you in silence I often speak your name All I have are memories and your picture in a frame Your memory is my keepsake with which I’ll never part God has you in His keeping I have you in my heart. Today I took the kids to the library, the one by where you used to live. I remembered all the times I went there "Just because". I remembered how much you and Abbie adored eachother, and I know you would have fallen in love with Joshua also. I think about you, sometimes more than others. I miss you Mom. I love you. There are days where I would do anything to go back to your apt and just spend time with you, joke around..whatever. But, you can't go home again.

I have always loved Toby Keith, and this is by far one of my favorite songs from him. Just off of the two-lane where the school bus used to stop Was a little wooden A-frame with a yellow tin roof top One day it was raining on this world She said ‘have you ever really, really ever kissed a girl?’ Baby I’ll be your Huckleberry, you don’t have to double dare me If the storm gets wild and scary count on me to be right there You’re so extra ordinary sweet like maraschino cherries We’ll grow up and we’ll get married I’m gonna be your Huckleberry Later on that summer we went to the county fair They had a brand new roller coaster and everyone was scared It was two bucks to experience the thrill She said ‘come on boy let’s get in line I’ll ride it if you will’ Baby I’ll be your Huckleberry, you don’t have to double dare me If the ride gets wild and scary count on me to be right there You’re so extra ordinary sweet like maraschino cherries We’ll grow up and we’ll get married

May 20, 2009 started out as a normal day. Well, "normal" enough for a woman who is 37 weeks pregnant and having contractions. I drop Abbie off at PreK and go by to see my friend Wren. Wren looks at me, and mind you she had just seen me the day before, which was a Tuesday and I hadn't dropped. She took one look at me and said "You ARE having the baby TODAY!" I looked at her, and told her I would call her after my Ob appt. Sure enough, I get to my Ob's office, and the tech has to literally help me out of the chair. I couldn't get enough balance or stamina to get up. I waddle through the doors and into the exam room. She asked me how I was feeling, and I told her I was having some contractions. She takes my BP and listens to the HB, and all is good. She tells me, next time I am in the office will be for my 6 week checkup. Sofar I have had 2 people tell me I am having a baby SOON. I get into another exam room, and my OB comes in. She is asking me how I am fe

The song "What Hurts The Most" by Rascal Flatts pretty much sums up how I feel about the loss of my mom. I still feel guilty. Those who were with me, might say that I did everything I could, and that I have no reason for regrets. I don't believe that. I feel like I should have done more. "What Hurts The Most" I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house That don’t bother me I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while Even though going on with you gone still upsets me There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok But that’s not what gets me What hurts the most Was being so close And having so much to say And watching you walk away And never knowing What could have been And not seeing that loving you Is what I was tryin’ to do It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go But I’m doin’ It It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m al

We had a speaker tonight at Church, and he was talking about counting your blessings. So, here is a list of my blessings. *I was born to two wonderful parents who loved me so very, very much. *I have a best friend, who is more like a sister to me. *I have a wonderful husband who loves and supports me in whatever I do. * I was able to get to know my Mimi, and she was an amazing woman. *I have two beautiful, healthy children. *I have a wonderful older sister. *I live in the USA :) *I am allowed to go to Church and am allowed to study and read about God without worry *I have my husband home. *I got to an amazing Church. *I have some really amazing friends *I have a surrogate family that I consider my real family. *I have access to medical care when needed. There are so many more. Some days, it's hard to remember what you are blessed with, but maybe if we do this, it will make us feel better.

I don't like this time of year. It's not because of the weather change, it's more than welcome! I don't like this time of year because it's just another reminder that I no longer have MY mom. I have all these constant daily reminders that she is no longer here, and then there is Mother's Day to remind me. Again. Joshua and I were at the store today and I almost started to cry. Not once, but twice. I felt the tears form, and tried to make them go away. It worked. I saw this robe that I know she would have loved. It was light blue with butterflies. She loved blue and butterflies. I looked at Joshua and told him how much I missed her, and how she would have loved him so much. I know it's been a while, and I thought it would get easier. There are days where it seems as it has, and then there are days where I feel like I am starting all over again. Abbie has some memories of my mom, and I am hoping between us, we will make Joshua feel like he knew her, even thoug

That I keep to myself, and keep a small group of friends. I am so BEYOND grateful for them..whether they are near or far. These are the people that I can talk to about anything at anytime, and know that they will have my back. I know I can call them at 3am and w/o any question they are there. I want them to know how very grateful and appreciative of everything that they have done. I don't know how others see me, those that don't know me really well. I have tried to reach out to make new friends, and it doesn't always work. I think I will just keep my small group of really good friends. My mom used to tell me that if I could count how many good friends I have one one hand, I am blessed. I agree with her. I am very blessed.

The date was March 18, 2000. The time was 3pm. I was about to walk down the asile to meet up with my soon to be husband. My mom was the one who gave me away, and the Preacher was Gary's Grandpa. It was an outside wedding. Don't ask me why I chose an outside wedding in March. I was 20, and the ONLY thing I was concered about while planning the wedding, was the end result, getting married the the man I loved so much, that my heart literally ached when we weren't together. Which at the point was pretty much all the time since he lived 2 hours away in Valdosta and was stationed at Moody. Everyone said it was cold, I don't remember that. Imagine that, the girl who is normally FREEZING, wasn't. We said our vows, and went to our reception. After our reception, we went to the hotel. We spent almost ALL night getting the pins out of my hair! I must say, my hair has never been that wavy since!  Looking back on these past 11 years, who would have known that we would have lived

 This is something I have been asking myself lately. How many times will I ask someone if they want to hang out with me and being told NO before I give up and just stop asking them altogether? How many times do I need to apologize to those I wronged without meaning to? I am just at the point where I want to say ENOUGH! I've been dealing with my inner "demons" so to speak lately, and the last thing I need to concern myself with is trying to make others happy, which is REALLY hard for me to do if you know me at all. Or maybe you do know me really well, and your opinion of me is that I am self-centered, or whatever negative adjective you can come up with.

There are periods in my life where I feel so alone. I am not talking like family, I am talking about friends. As an adult, it has been hard for me to maintain and keep friends, much less allow someone to get close to me. I only allow a few people in. I don't know why. Anyway, this song says it perfectly...well, to me anyways. It's one of my favorites. If anyone even reads this, I hope you like the song too. A winters day In a deep and dark december; I am alone, Gazing from my window to the streets below On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow. I am a rock, I am an island. Ive built walls, A fortress deep and mighty, That none may penetrate. I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain. Its laughter and its loving I disdain. I am a rock, I am an island. Dont talk of love, But Ive heard the words before; Its sleeping in my memory. I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died. If I never loved I never would have cried. I am a rock, I am an

  13 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. 14 For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15 According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18 Therefore encourage one another with these words. I do not know how to say what I want to, and this scripture says it. So, there it is :)

I was holding Abbie this morning I said to her something to the effect of I love my baby girl. She replied I am not a baby. I told her, Yes, you are my baby, and will always be my baby. She then said, Even when I am a grownup? I wanted to finish that with As long as I am living, my baby you'll be, but I couldn't as I already felt the tears start to form in my eyes.  As I relisten to the conversation in my head, I can't help but to go back to so many conversations about this that my mom and I used to have. Only she'd say, You will be my baby until the day I die. I want my children to know that no matter how old they get, they will always be my babies, even up until the very end, and possibly beyond.